November 2007 - Posts
I haven't broken down and taken a test just yet. I'm officially 2 days late if you go by the strict 28 day calendar. My body doesn't, so my husband and I agreed waiting until next Tuesday to take the test is in our best interest. I can't keep supporting EPT because I get excited and jump the gun. No signs of a period, but also no signs of pregnancy. I'm filling out like I'm pregnant. This change in diet thing gets me. Make sure I not only take my prenatal vitamins, avoid the fake sugars, but also get a couple servings of calcium (and we all know that isn't cheap in terms of calories) as well as my fruits/veggies...and all things with folic acid.
I did wake up in the middle of the night a few nights ago with weird stomach cramps. I'm still not sure if I had them, or dreamed it. Wasn't a tummy ache kind of pain, but like my stomach was twisting and turning around inside of me. Uncomfortable to say the least. I wish I knew not only that I was pregnant, but the gender of our next child as this great store - Little Me - is going out of business...forever. I LOVE their clothing, so I of course bought a bunch of stuff for my son...for this year, and for next. I picked out a few gender neutral things as well, but it would be great to know as then I could make the most of their clearance sale.
On the exercise front, as I spent a few days prepping for Thanksgiving, then a few days being sick and taking care of two sick boys, I haven't been exercising. Not the best thing with the extra food consumption, the Sjogren's, nor my cardio health. However, since I could just be pregnant, the little voice in the back of my head is fighting with itself - should I just wait until I know I'm not pregnant...just in case an intense cardio workout would prompt a miscarraige (yes, I'm not rational), or should I get back on the horse sooner? I realize that I could go for a walk...but I'm used to running 5 or 6 miles at a whack. A 30 minute walk to me would seem almost pointless. I know it's not. Remember, I'm irrational.
Thanksgiving brings many gifts - time with family, good food, and of course football. Thanksgiving also leaves many gifts like dishes, lack of sleep, and this year - the cold. My son has had three colds already this year - nearly back to back with about two weeks in between. Just enough time for it to cycle I suppose. My husband was the one in our family who first showed signs on Friday. My son's nose was runny, but he was also up most of the night before Thanksgiving with some teething complaints...so I figured the runny nose was from teething. Nope, think he did have the cold my husband had...and I now have. Of course, as I can't yet test to see if I'm pregnant, I shouldn't take anything for the cold.
The one thing I probably need is some down time and some sleep. My husband's getting that now, and I'm really hoping he returns the favor later on. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep Wednesday night between helping my son and then starting the cooking regime Thursday morning. I did pass out on the couch around 630 Thursday night, and was up long enough to watch Survivor and get to bed. That felt great. Even though my son woke up in the middle of the night yet again. Blasted teeth. Last night wasn't the greatest. I slept on the couch as my son and husband had our entire king sized bed. There wasn't much room for me, and as I tweaked my back at some point this week, sleeping with the heating pad on low felt really good. With my emerging cold, I sniffled and blew my nose all night long, and as such, didn't sleep much.
By my calculations, the earliest I'd know if I was pregnant would be this coming Tuesday, but as my cycle's been nearly a week off over the past few months, we thought it would be best to wait until December 4th to really check. I'm impatient, so I might just break down again and test sooner. Keep your fingers crossed!
Here we are coming up on Thanksgiving, and I know how thankful I should be for all of the things in my life. Our wonderful healthy son, that I'm able to stay home full time with him, that we'll have all of our family together again for the holiday, that my husband actually likes what he does for a living...the list could go on. We had another play date this morning, and sitting there in the midst of two pregnant Moms, two who have had babies recently, and talking about two more Moms we know who are also due in the next few months I began to think about how thankful they should be for having uneventful, healthy pregnancies...and the fact that they were actually able to get pregnant. It's a miracle when you think about the whole process, and amazing no matter how early or late they arrive, how large or small they are, for the most part, they're normal in just about every sense of the word.
I continue to patiently wait. Here goes month 5...we should know in a few short weeks what kind of phone call I'll be making to the OBGYN...either an appointment for early pregnancy or an appointment to discuss why I'm not yet pregnant. I know most people think it's just been a few months. Well, they've been pretty calculated months. Couples "try," but usually aren't too surprised when they're not expecting the next month. Kind of hit-or-miss mentality. We're not trying, this is a covert operation with a very detailed game plan. I don't know many women who test their pee twice a day to confirm the ideal time to conceive. I'm hopeful, but I'm also trying to remain realistic about the process. I don't want to set myself up for yet another disappointment and crash land.
So, I should be thankful that I'm not noticing too many other symptoms yet. With the weather change (it snowed today!) my hands are cracking and on the verge of bleeding, but I'm putting lotion on nearly every hour to stave off any major discomfort. I've also resorted to using the liquid cut sealer to put a temporary patch on my bad cracks that keep splitting instead of healing. This lasts about half a day, then I have to reapply. At least when it's sealed I don't risk cracking and bleeding on my clothing, on my son, or onto anything else. I'm also thankful that my lips have yet to crack.
The one "side effect" I'm starting to experience is some weight gain. Each month for two weeks I start eating like I'm pregnant, and no, I don't mean I'm eating everything in sight. I give up artificial sugars, make sure I get at least 3 dairies each day, each more protein, and try and eat things with folic acid (like peas). I'm not eating a bunch of sweets or piggy out at McDonald's, but this slight change in eating habits for two weeks for the past several months has helped me to add a few pounds. I'd love to be able to run every day and work some of that off, but some days I'm too tired, others I'm too busy. And then each month at this time I get frightened that if I do run, I might end up causing the pregnancy not to take...so I stop...for two weeks until I find out that I'm not pregnant. Kind of a bad cycle that I need to work on. I know I can walk, but I'd have to walk about 2 hours a day to get the same amount of exercise I would from 30 or 40 minutes of running. Now I just need to find the time...as I'm not supposed to exercise at night as that was contributing to my inability to fall asleep at night. What's worse, not sleeping and being tired or not getting any exercise? Wish it were warmer as I'd feel more comfortable taking my son out for a walk or a run during the day. Oh well, I'm thankful I can walk and run and have these types of manageable problems.
It's that important time of the month...time to break out the ovulation kit. Not what you were thinking, huh?
Well, I kind of know by now that my body's not on a strict regime, so within a range of possible days, I decided to start testing on Sunday. No sign. What do you know, on Monday...I forgot (see last post).
This morning (and with only 4 sticks from last month's $20-something kit) I tried again and saw a very faint line. I know last month that the day or so after I saw this faint line the dark one confirming ovulation arrived. We'll see what happens this month, but the countdown is on yet again. Month 5 - is 5 someone's lucky number? Maybe just a coincidence, but the baby would be due on August 5th...
When I was 9 months pregnant and patiently waiting (I was a happy pregnant mom-to-be) for the arrival of my son I started to notice a now too common trend...my memory wasn't what it used to be. You know the saying an elephant never forgets? I'm the elephant. I don't forget. I might put it aside, but in the middle of my shower or while standing in line at the grocery it will come back...and that's when I'd jot it on the mental pad in my mind and whatever it was would get addressed. I can remember obscure things - birthdays for people I haven't seen in years, recipes I haven't made in months, how much something costs at Wal-mart (I'd be good on The Price is Right). On top of it, I could remember the important stuff - lists of things to do or buy, and within a narrow margin of error, I'd remember pretty much everything. Then I got pregnant.
Things started to slip little by little. I'd put something in the car to run an errand, and would drive right past the place I was headed to, completely forgetting I needed to stop there. I'd space on things my husband told me (which I've always claimed he does to me), things I needed. etc. Nothing major, but annoying nonetheless. When I finally went on maternity leave 2 weeks before my due date (and just in time as my OB said my swelling was severe enough to put me on bedrest), I was thankful not to be working a number of reasons, including I didn't want to space at work. You know, forget to get someone something important, lose my train of thought in a meeting, or something equally as embarrassing.
What did I do on maternity leave? Not much. A good thing as Mommy brain was starting to kick in. Each day I would tackle something simple - make a double batch of something for dinner so I could freeze the balance. One afternoon I cleaned (well, organized) my cleaning cabinet. The day I decided to make cookies (I LOVE to cook and bake) happened to be a day where everyone was calling to ask that wonderful question - any progress? So inbetween calls from people I worked with, family, and friends, I made two different types of cookies. The first ones (oatmeal raisin) came out great, and I was happy to tuck those into the freezer for later consumption. The second batch was your classic chocolate chip...except I made them with peanut butter chips too.
I mixed up the batch following the directions on the back of the package while on the phone, and at the end of my call, the cookies were placed in the oven, and I back on the couch with my swollen feet elevated. The timer goes off and what do I see? The cookies liquified and ran all over the oven. They were so thin (and I do like thin cookies in some cases) that they practically became crispy crackers with little flavor. I not only had to throw out the entire tray of parchment thin cooked dough, but scrape it out of my oven (and then clean it - got to love self cleaning ovens!). For the life of me I couldn't figure it out, what happened? I'd made that recipe several dozen times in the past, and since I've been cooking since I knew what a wooden spoon was this type of disaster wasn't my norm. I called my husband at work to tell him I must have completely lost my mind when in the middle of my conversation with him it occurred to me...I only put in one cup of flour. Who spaces in the middle of scooping out 2 cups of flour and forgets the second one? Not a complicated recipe where you have to divide it out or set it aside, just scoop and mix.
After my son was born I continued to have Mommy brain and would space on different things - a new one being words. Yes, I would be in the middle of a sentence and suddenly forget the word I was looking for. This I attributed to being sleep deprived and the only real conversations I was having concerned feedings, pee, poop, and making sure I've had enough water to keep hydrated. Should have known when I was drinking 2 1/2 gallons (yes, I'd go through Poland Spring's handled jug) a DAY that I might have been having some dry mouth issues and it wasn't just because I was nursing a BIG baby. Anyways, where was I?
A few months ago I noticed that I now space in the middle of sentences. I'll be talking with my Mom on the phone or my husband and mid thought, forget where I was going. Yes, this does happen from time to time, but how about multiple times in a conversation. Again, I thought Mommy brain combined with being distracted by a toddler running around at my feet. However, lately I've begun to feel I've got some short term memory issues. I'd be in the middle of writing a sentence in a thank you note and forget what I was saying. Ever write a word twice...in a row?
I've been working on Christmas lists for our family in preparation for the holiday posting at Thanksgiving and I've found myself online typing in a search term and I forget what toy or product I meant to type. My husband asked me for his watch the other morning as I was upstairs and he had already gone downstairs with our son. Do you think in 2 minutes I could forget a watch...even after the last thing I did before leaving the room was put mine on? Yup. Didn't remember until we were sitting in the car...a half hour later...when my husband asked me if I brought it down. Two years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. I'm a good multitasker. I COULD talk on the phone, fold laundry, watch the soup simmering on the stovetop, and dust all at the same time. Now I would drop off from time to time on the call, the laundry might get folded but only if the soup boiled over and I'd find the dustcloth a week later when I went back in the room where I left it to dust again. What has happened? Is this part of having Sjogren's...being a Mom...getting older...or all of the above?
I, along with many movie goers, thought it was neat that in the Spiderman movies he had a velcro-like quality to his hands that enabled him to "stick" to anything. Of course when that happens, you don't realize you do "stick" to everything. It especially stinks when it's caused by extremely dry skin.
I know we've probably all had those "where's the hand lotion" days. I'm far past that. I've always been dry - dry skin, dry hair, dry lips. You know that question, "what is the one thing you'd take with you if you were stranded on a desert island?" My answer - a large tube of chapstick. I'm a chapstick fanatic. Maybe connoisseur is a better choice. I'm loving the ginger one by Badger Balm I found online, but my traditional favorite is the herbal one Blistex makes.
Back to the dry skin. For a while I thought that the dry skin was from washing my hands non-stop when a newborn entered my household. Yes, that may not have helped. However, this feeling where your fingertips stick to everything - your underwear, towels, and yes, your own fingers is just dreadful. My hands are so dry lately I'm cracking and bleeding. Fun is. The best news is that it's only going to get worse. Most people can put on some lotion a few times a day and presto, feel better. I could lotion up every hour on the hour with no marked improvement. That's Sjogren's for you.
I have found some hand lotions that are pretty good, but each comes with it's own problems. I thought Aquafor was the best thing since sliced bread when I was introduced to it after my son was born. Only thing is, I'd need to sleep in gloves in order to prevent it from gooping on everything. Burts Bees makes some great hand cream (I love the almond one), but that too is like putting wax on your hands...there's always some residue. Better than Aquafor though. Lately I've been using this hand cream called Gourmet Kitchen by Upper Canada. Not only does it absorb quickly, but it at least leaves my hands feeling smooth (and non-sticky) for a little while. Bonus, it comes in some great scents.
Now, what kind of cream can I use for the repeated split I have on the edges of my mouth? Nothing like taking a bite out of something and see blood...on your sandwich, piece of fruit, etc. Or better yet, opening your mouth to talk and feel the split opening up...only to quickly realize you need to conceal what has happened from whoever you are having a conversation with. Nothing like looking at someone while you know the red pool next to your mouth is growing with each word you speak. I bathe the edges of my mouth in Neosporin (a real God send!) each night hoping I'll awake completely healed. So such luck as I'm also incessantly dry at night, so it just dries out more and is gooked up by the time I awake. Oh, I can't wait for the dry weather in the winter.
In that section about Sjogren's pregnancies and in the article I referenced in my earlier post it also mentioned that woman with Sjogren's who get pregnant and have both the anti-Ro and anti-La antibodies (which I have, and have high levels of) have a 1 to 2% chance of having a baby with fetal heart block. So why is my chance estimated at between 15 and 20%? Is it because I have higher levels of both of these antibodies? This is definitely a descrepancy that I'm going to talk with my high risk OB and my rheumatologist about. Seems like I'm getting and reading conflicting information.
I crawled into bed the other night and pulled in with my my "Sjogren's bible"...the big book with SO much information it's overwhelming. However, taken in chunks, it's tolerable without making you feel like you need an antidepressant (which you really shouldn't take, it seems, if you have Sjogren's as it dehydrates you...which isn't good when you're not producing enough saliva in the first place).
Well, the section I chose to read (again) was on pregnancy. One thing that stood out on this read through (as I pick up on something new each time I read it) was the fact that the baby may develop, besides fetal or congenital heart block, is a rash that can last up to a year. What kind of rash? Where is this rash? For a book that is SO descriptive, I found this tidbit a tease. I've been searching around for more information online (as I don't have time to digest a million books, typing in a word and hitting search is perfect), but haven't really found anything more descriptive (check out this article for more information). The rash is again mentioned here, but with no greater detail. However, they do a pretty good job of describing how autoimmune patients (with lupus and Sjogren's) are at risk of having a baby with fetal heart block.
The reason for the rash question is my son, although luckily born without any heart problems, was born with a rash on his face, arms, and legs. At first our pediatrician told us it would go away - it was a typical dry skin rash. After a few months and limitless questions from family, friends, and mostly strangers concerned that there was something w-r-o-n-g with our bundle of joy, we pushed the pediatrician and saw a pediatric dermatologist. She was VERY nice, and gave us some suggestions on creams to try and explained that this rash was fairly typical for babies. He still looked like he had poison ivy in red streaks across his face, but I would gently tell people (again, mostly concerned strangers) that he was fine and it most definitely was not contagious.
Several more months went by, and as I was nursing, I tried some elimination diets to see if the rash was food related. I was using all natural/organic cleaning products, no bleach or harmful chemicals around him, so there wasn't much in the way of external sources of possible allergens. At our next regular visit with the pediatrician I requested that he see an allergist. Allergies run in our family (including nut), so we had him tested. Besides having a very mild reaction to pollen and dust, he was fine. No nut or egg reactions. The allergist suggested that we try giving him a teaspoon of children's Benedryl each day for a week or so to see if it cleared things up...and if it did, to do that each time he had an outbreak. He, like our pediatrician and the pediatric dermatoloist, didn't want our son on steriod creams and we really didn't want to go to those lengths until we had exhausted everything else. The children's Benedryl did the trick, but he still get the rash from time to time. On the arms and legs isn't really as noticeable as they're usually covered enough that it's not too obvious. You can't really hide a rash on a child's face though.
So, back to my question...what causes the rash seen in babies born to Sjogren's mothers? Could the rash my son had be this rash? Who knows. All of the experts we saw told us that it was just eczema. Was it?
I've made it three nights with the brace, and have actually found it comfortable to wear at night...just as long as I'm not trying to do anything. Tried to hold my husband's hand last night...not quite possible. My son crawled into bed the other morning and "helped" me take it off...already figured out how to undo the velcro. Well, after three nights I really wasn't noticing too much of a difference, and not thinking about my wrist, I headed out this afternoon with the backpack leaf blower and spent several hours by myself blowing the leaves into the woods. The control stick was the same side as my bad wrist...and of course I didn't feel it at the time, but now I'm having trouble typing as my wrist is so cramped. Great.
My husband and I got to talking...or strategizing...this evening about baby #2 and why I was not yet pregnant. We're already making plans for this month - what day should we start trying, how long should we try past my ovulation marker, etc. Definitely takes some of the fun out of trying. In talking about why I probably wasn't pregnant, the question came up as to whether it was because I have Sjogren's. My first thought is to look online. Yeah, an hour later and the only noteworthy facts I found about pregnancy and Sjogren's is that I could be at a higher risk for miscarraige or fetal death (and in some reports I'm no more likely to suffer a miscarriage), that depending on the antibodies I carry I should consult my OBGYN to learn whether a pregnancy is "adviseable" (yikes!), and that several posts I stumbled on talked about how it took some women with Sjogren's years to get pregnant. Not sure if that's related to Sjogren's or more likely a product of other conditions.
Back to the question. Why am I not pregnant? Who knows. Doesn't seem like there's enough information out there to say whether or not Sjogren's patients are less likely to get and/or maintain a pregnancy than the general population. Does make me wonder if having a moisture issue within my body creates an environment not conducive to getting or maintaining a pregnancy. Would make sense, but I'm going to stay positive - I did it once before, so theoretically I should be able to get pregnant again. I've got another month or two before I probably should call the OB's office and discuss next steps. The one glimmer of hope is that in several posts I discovered that women felt better in pregnancy than they did prior to pregnancy. That would be great. I am lacking motivation to do just about anything these days. I know I should be exercising and trying to stay active, but all I can muster the interest and motivation to do each day is get dressed, maybe a little laundry, and make sure my family is fed. The laundry gets washed...usually not folded, and definitely not ironed these days. I did motivate to get out and do the leaves and lawn today, but that was only because in thinking through the next couple of weeks, I wasn't sure how I was going to get everything done. More of an anti-stress move than an "I've got energy" response.
Surprise, surprise, I was (of course) so tired the first night I had the wrist brace that I completely spaced and didn't even get it out of the box, let alone on my wrist. I did manage to remember last night (afterall, it's not that difficult to put on!) and was greeted with an interesting question by my husband - do I HAVE to wear it ALL the time? Now I know it's not the most stylish (let alone sexy) thing I could wear to bed, but it's not like he didn't have a clue I was going to have to start wearing this.
I remember saying our wedding vows (and we weren't force-fed them by our Reverend)...and there was a part about "for better and for worse." I would like to think this was a "for better" as it will hopefully make me better, but I'm really beginning to feel MUCH older than I really am. Hard enough to think about being 31 and potentially having Rheumatoid Arthritis, but now I feel like I'm going to start smelling like Mineral Ice when I wake up in the morning!
Oh, and after one night I feel no different (no surprise there). I put the brace next to the bed on the nightstand...next to my two prenatal vitamins I'm supposed to take each night as well. Hopefully I can remember to down my pills and wrap my wrist...oh, and brush my teeth and floss...each night before bed. I'm going to have to do all this when I put my son down, as the last thing I want to do before falling asleep is use the bathroom, let alone all of this hygiene stuff.
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